Monday, October 1, 2012

Ralphie’s Gripe with the Game (or How I Started Worrying and Began to Hate Clichés)

Ralphie is a simple man. He enjoys Wizard Hats, wide animal themed shirts, and properly developed cannon. And now, horror of horrors,  Ralphie’s favorite MMO is in danger and this brings him now to the pulpit of our generation: NEOGAF forums. Ralphie cannot rectify his complex lore fascination with the terrifyingly awful decision to put Hobbits and Dwarfs on horse back in the Lord of the Rings Online. “WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!” he rages among piles of empty microwaveable Hungry Man microwaveable meals. “DO THEY NOT KNOW HOBBITS ARE FAR TOO SHORT TO PUT ON A HORSE. THE GALLANT AND CHIVALROUS MERIDOC BRANDYBUCK HAD TO BE ON THE BACK OF NOBLE EOWYN WHEN RIDING INTO PELENNOR FIELDS. THEIR LEGS AND ARMS ARE TOO SHORT FOR HUMAN HORSES”. He takes to the forums, knowing, feeling, the masses must be informed.

When Ralphie receives scorn, he does not back down. He does shirk away. He meets the challenge head on, like the wolves on his shirt were born to do. Rebuttals like, “But that decision would not allow half of the population to not participate in the new mounted combat” do not decelerate the Ralphie train. “LIKE ALL OF OUR LOTS IN LIFE, WE CANNOT GO BACK AND GET A NEW START. JUST AS I AM NOT DESTINED TO FIT IN AIRPLANE SEATS, THOSE WHO HAVE ROLLED A HOBBIT ARE NOT DESTINED TO FIGHT UPON HORSE BACK”.  Irksome hesitations and misgivings, such as “well it’s just a game, not everything has to 100% accurate” are not given the time of day to even cross Ralphie’s consciousness. “THE NOBLE ROHIRRIM GAVE THEIR LIVES TO SAVE US FROM THE EVER EXPANDING SHADOW AND YOU WOULD DO THEM THE DISSERVICE OF NOT HONORING THEIR MEMORY!?”, he seethes into the text submission box.  “GIMLI CANNOT SWING FROM HORSEBACK, AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU! HE WAS A NOBLE PRINCE AND YOU BUT A LOWLY ADVENTURER. IF HE COULD FIGHT FROM FOOT, YOU CAN TOO”.

Ralphie knows that with a loud enough voice, anyone can be heard. So he will be heard. He will be the eagle in the night, the owl in the day time, the lone wolf in the pack of wolves. He will campaign and crusade until Turbine see the error of their ways, lest he be content with a subpar product. He WILL NEVER PLAY WITH THIS INJUSTICE until he buys the game, just to login and complain to his fellowship that so much lore breaking is going on, it’s hurting his gullet, or maybe he’s just hungry. “YOU MUST STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN,” he can be heard wheezeing over the Ventrilo server, pausing only to suck in saliva from the outer regions of his mouth, as he shouts over the deluge of water “WITHOUT IT WE ARE NOTHING”. He mounts up on his hobbit to explore the newly released Riddermark, hopefully he will get to Hytbold so he can upgrade his top tier raid armor.

HE WILL NEVER FORGET THE WRONGS COMMITTED THIS DAY until we do and then when Helm’s Deep is released Ralphie will rally the cries “THE WALLS OF THE DEEP WERE AT LEAST 3 AND A HALF INCHES TALLER”.

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